The 100th Post - In Reminiscence of "Tomorrow, Yesterday, and Then" =)

Temporary notes:
- This gets really old, passe, and really boring. For everything current, skip
straight to "what I'll write now"

- Not everything has been transferred. It's all quite a mess...scribbled down in my phone memory, papers, email. It's gonna take awhile before everything is finally transferred.

- Pictures are not complete. They're still being added gradually.






Prologue:
Did I say in approx 30 days time? Hahaha yea rite Ez; 30 days time my ass. When do I ever have time for myself lolz!? Anyways here's a good few things to note before I start:

The Title:
During my early ages, In school, I was told to always make sure that the "Introduction" would somehow rather tie in with the End, the "Conclusion". The "rotan" is sure to follow if I did otherwise; or super low scores with the note "Karangan Terpesong" attached to my essay. The brackets represent my very first blog post. During the good ol' naive and innocent days. Oh how I miss.. Dang it! This is not how I usually write. This sounds way too bookwormish. Formal. Grr. Nonetheless, indulge!.

Mood:
Super jaded
(A lot of stuff which I'm gonna write here is horrendously old. It's all so passe.)

Methodology:
I'll break this final post into 2 segments:

i) What I wrote then
VS
ii) What I'll write now

Why?
I believe that constructive reflection greatly helps a person to understand oneself better.
I made a promise to myself quite awhile back that everything I've scribbled on paper when I was in India, Japan, right to the time I spent in Malaysia would eventually be transferred here someday.
Finally with much procrastination, I'm doing this today, at an end of a life's journey (12/06/10 @ 2.44pm).
Bloodless as I am; I vowed to transfer every spec of detail here.
So this is to the 100th post. This is to a milestone. Here goes. =)

Some quick reflections before I begin:
Previous Reflections:

i) America
It sure was difficult being there all alone. But in an English speaking country, it eventually turned out to be a pretty awesome experience. Anyways that's not the reflective bit. Prior to leaving I was dating someone. Real pretty, perfect girl material. It took me several thousand miles to realize that I never really loved her. I mean I really really liked her. I just never loved her. I had plans of asking her out once I got back but, I felt we lacked chemistry; so I never did.
She's grown up to be a real beautiful person, in all aspects (At least, the way I see it). I'm happy for her =)
Amongst everything else, I'm content that at least she has a viable reason for disliking me.
Unlike some of the rest, which never got their facts right to begin with. I bet that by now, all fact have overrode fiction. Must have smelt like rotten eggs when the other side of the story finally came out. 101 reason on why I believe in the existence of a fair and equitable god.
Nonetheless, to mingle within a bunch never knowing who'd back-stab who next; I'll pass. It's way too high-school and it's way too tiring. Nuff said.

The lesson?
Never over 'initiate' or DON'T initiate at all unless you're certain Ez. Not worth the cost of losing a friend.

Note: Throughout the years, if there's anything I can stand to feel proud of in regards to scenarios like this; its the fact that "I've never started something I wasn't willing to see through until the very end". Its either I always keep it 'preliminary', or I don't do anything at all. I have never went for the candy knowing that I'll despicably spit it out someday. I window shop. Something all guys and girls do. I don't purchase then return purchase. I only do so when I'm sure of it. Absolute chemistry. Viability of certainty. 'No room for second-guessing'. Whatever else you would wanna call it. Today I guess there are far to many who practice otherwise.. Like it, keep it. Dislike it, ditch it. An approach far to irresponsible for my comprehension. Hi! =). If you paused for a bit to plainly judge while reading everything I've typed in the paragraph before this, then please think hard again. There's an astounding difference between "working towards/ trying to achieve something" compared to "initiating/ plainly saying something you don't mean". ..LoL..how can one ever synonymize statements like ' This could work for us" with "I need this, I could use this, I want this....and suddenly WOOPS~ I don't think I want this anymore. It's like comparing thoughtfulness with pure individualistic selfishness. We're FAR from ALIKE. I'm not you...and never in a million years (i know i won't live that long, but figuratively yo!) could I ever do what you do...bleh, why am I even bothered to take the time to explain this...I think some can just never comprehend..even if you actually DO give them a million years to sit, ponder, and think about it...they just might never get it... I rest my case =)

Picture Perfects:




ii) Japan
Again this felt very isolating. The people here spoke very little English and as a result, I was forced to catch up on my Japanese. Everything brewed down when I was in Japan. I realized that I effin' loved...bleh I'll save these boring bits for later. What I've learned is my life has a new legend. Absolute chemistry, perfect correlation. It's fair to say that this has made me more picky in regards to my future choices lolz. Nonetheless, I never asked her out =)

The lesson?
I can do mind over matter pretty well now. Finally.
Well maybe not finally. I don't remember since when; but I've managed to get my heart to STFU whenever necessary. By doing so, I've moved closer towards the more platonic end of things; and got a little better (okie way much more better ;p) at "the game"; but screw "the game".
One day when I attain self actualization (and hell I will) ...I'll throw all these bloodthirsty traits I've picked up from the likes of "Category A" and fall right back to the more compassionate spectrum of life; the ones of "Category B". I wanna bring about positive changes; irrespective of how much stronger the "vicious-cycle-school-of-thought" would be in future.
Someday. I will. I swear I will.

When Dust-Bin said that the greatest downfalls/guilt's in my life are female related, I guess he had a very valid point. When it's about me and only me, I have a tendency of bouncing back real fast with little or almost no trouble at all. It's the whole "people-relationship" thingy which gets me all freaked-out-messed-up.


iii) Monash ---> Melaka
Monash felt like home..nah to be really precise.. Sunway Condo felt like home for a great few years. So many different groups of people, so many variable experiences, so many different clicks. Hemmm...these are among the stuff I remember:


~~START Memory Recollection~~:
 My first crush (@pre-u). Heh. How ironic. We're such good friends now. I'm glad =)

 My Indo friends and that Russian chic. Geez. I wonder where she is now?

 Indah n’ Tika.. didn’t remember we took so many pictures until I glanced through my dusty folders…we used to be so effin close.



 Mr. Tan (eng4u) one of the best mentors which helped shape my life; I found myself giving him a 'thank you' card 5 years later =)

 Another Mr. Tan (ics3m) my ice hockey guru, lolz I still remember the subject codes!

 Erm, Mr. Weltch (;P) why the cheeky tongue? Go figure :P~

 Mr. Z (Me and crush scored the highest for his internals...wooops ;P..sorry I had to make it obvious sweets….bleh…no 1 remembers anyways.. )

 Rifad, Ikram, Byron (my mary-j-blidge virginity taker ;P), The inseparable white chicas J n’ S.. Lord were they a handful…I can’t believe I’ve yet to add them up on facebook. Come to think of it, If I were to add everyone, it would probably be more than a 1,500. I really do hope that my extensive network would do me good someday. What am I saying…it already is =)

 Alice…erm…hemm….Alice….yup….Alice ;p

 Manoj…Vani…Tarj… somehow I was always really close to Manoj.. Quality guy..

 The JB Girls….the only bunch who’d call me “RaRa” …haven’t caught up with them in sooo long.. Seng Wai ....always fun hangin’ out wife em’…

 4th Floor people. Lolz..we even had a Friendster group. We were always very close knit. They felt like family then. They still are family now. We were close knit. We’re still close knit. =)







 Kevin,Shara, Dinal n’ the other Lankans… I spent a whole semester bumming n’ practicing my guitar with Kev….I guess It was then I started to improve..Lagoon view with ze’ guys…it was drinks, party, and rolls all night long… ahhh ..all the positive impact reflected well on my grades lolz…nonetheless…a life experience…even if I could go back, I would still not trade it for a ‘pass’ lolz..

 Jacinda n’ Jasmine n’ the whole Monash event thingy. Jess was always a sweetheart. She helped me out loads in Uni….n’ I somehow find it odd that I’m comfortable sharing with her…aside from the fact that we’re both somewhat alike…in…............erm….Jasmine n’ me are still close…we still manage to catch each other every one in awhile….n’ Syed lolz…wonder what happen to that dude… I knew many other people through him…too many to name…but yeah… Futsal contacts mostly..

 The JB guys… Sheanton…..Sherman n’ our shisha sessions… Ben n’ our classis “Expired Guiness” Session…Anthony…Oi! My Kansas autographed CD!!!! I swear I’ll hunt you down in JB someday… lolz..














 I moved 5 times and I was probably the longest resident in Sunway Condo.. lolz…B 2nd floor, B 4th floor, B 16th floor, A 10th floor, A 14th floor.




 Poolside cafés crispy chicken rice was always my all time favorite dish. LOL..bubble tea. Super disliked em gooey things. I think Dwin liked them thou…if I could recall correctly.





 Various clubbing/rave/party sessions. LOLz. I think I graduated with 1st class honours. I probably did it all. *All within LEGAL guidelines* That particular clause is necessary due to a rumor a certain ‘confused’ bitch is spreading …I guess she’s doin’ it to re-click with her former click. Sad fact that they all know the truth now huh? So much for trying to convince them about the ‘real me’ it looks like in exchange, they’ve figured out the ‘real you’ instead… ironic right? I’d say not really. It’s within norms. “What goes around comes around” ….did I not say so before =)

 I got close to Ah Seng. Through Ah Seng, I met Saraswati (Mel). The legendary one whom me n' my world refer to as my 'Twin'. We can mind read each other (seriously I'm/We're not making this up) up to 100% accuracy. Like she just has to think of a song and I can say it out...If any of us have really bad days...we'd feel it...It used to freak the group out but not anymore... her story comes in later..for now.. Im really thankful that through Seng, I met and got close to so many awesome people. Also through Seng's influence...I got really competitive during my final year and got that dumb "Distinction Average" everyone in Monash yearns for... As a result, it was a considering factor bringing me to where I am today. Yes, contacts might get you far...but without at least the slightest proof of intellectual adaptability, they'd turn you down anyways, regardless. Cruel world ya'll...cruel world. Somehow realistic in a sense though. Why give someone a job they can't handle..




 On a side note, Seng, Nikki, & Gehui were my best groupmates ever. Seng's with DBS..Nikki's with Sunway...wonder what G's up to these days....should prob catch up with her sometimes soon...




 Freedom party with Sam, JH, Sasha, n' Yvonne. On the 2nd day, Tiesto decided to take us 2 the moon. One thing's for certain me and Von were definitely feeling it. Substance ;p, Tiesto, n' Von ♥ = best rave ever! This could probably be the best rave of me lifetime... =)

 Gugueciao brothers! Hahaha Dust-bin's idea. Nuff said =P (Let me remind you that on TWO occasions you got wasted and in BOTH occasions you caused me a sheet load of trouble lolz....geram betul....and ironic..that's how we got close...like they say 'alcohol works in mysterious ways' ...lolz..


 Hannah, Lydz, n Pink Banana....... =)


 Soon after (upon returning from Japan), Malacca became the all new comfort zone. The late night mamak/futsal sessions with my boyz (Gary, Eddie, Cheah, Jarrod, Sarava) Clubbing sessions with the main man Kenny, Shisha with Jo, Ana, Adam, (with Ms. Huey n' Jas joinin in on occasions), Ostrich burger...lolz..., multiple fishing/chilling sessions with Daniel mybrofromanothermo, PS2...daym Rogue Galaxy is a very epic RPG indeed..erm Persona my all time fav (p/s you haven't finished it all until you've beaten "The answer")....Malacca river meets ocean hideout (we'd chill and spot for fish here), jamming sessions at mamba with Jo, Gary, Jerry, n' all else Mamba lolz...(Upon popular request, I'll be posting "That" particular song on facebook soon..lolz)...








 Minum sessions with Gen n' Chris. At our usual "Pure Bar" hahaha...where else. Fun company....great conversation =)

 Rendezvous with "D" =). She's dating my ex-gf's ex-bf now hahaha....yupp.. Malacca's a rather small town indeed.....yet, there's no other place I'd call home =)

 Hairstyles! There's a shit load more...but ah..too tedious...the 'botak' n' 'fag' look aside...lets focus on the more recent n' prominent ones~










~~END Memory Recollection~~

The lesson?

* to be edited upon completion + synergize with achieved then achieved now*


iv) Melaka ----> Kayel
Up to date, this felt like the most isolating and challenging experience ever!. Everything covering what I've been up to from the point I left Melaka up till' now is further elaborated below.
In short, for once in my life, I decided to do something selfish. The mechanics to my reasoning is way more complex to be taken as it is, but if I didn't act as such, I would have never attained what I wanted to.
As some of you know, I have a tendency to kick myself outside of the box from time to time. I'm not that much of a sadist, but it really does help me build a better sense of composure. This time it was more than that. I also did it for my career...and YES, this was the hardest experience ever.
The irony. I never knew that this would be hard for me. In this experience, you asses from "Category A" did me good. With my portfolio of endless hurt and betrayals, I managed to play along with 'their' game flawlessly. I even killed the tyrant. Well he's way too strong to be killed by the likes of me at this point of time but I sure as hell got him good. This was hard. Really hard. But the energy I have harnessed from this (although -negative ) has made me so much stronger. I'll leave the rest for later =)


?) A Very Spot-On Past Description:
Just.Read.This.Passe.Angry.Comment.Lolz.Man.Was.I.Feisty.Hahaha~ <--- dayummm~~ so much passion lolz! I'm LMAO!! Duddeeee she really broke my heartttt hahahaha....dayummm~~ this entire current blogpost is an embarrassment of expression compared to that entire one particular comment i typed ages ago..hahaha oh well, at least I'm glad it gives me a solid insight to 'where I was' =)

While I'm on this topic: "How to structure a beneficial platonic relationship"
Ingredients:

a) With some wizardry and flawless lines, they'd fall easily (If not now, in time)
b) Make sure it is structured with someone who super doubts on terms like forever (How? Go for a solid difference in religion e.g. Muslim/Christian, race e.g. Punjabi/Chinese, social status, e.g. Princess/Pauper...etc. u get it right?)
c) Now that you know the direction its heading, choose a gorgeous body for gawd sakes. (That's why its called platonic...duhhh!!)
d) Please do press for an awesome-for-the-moment sex life. Its meaningless if thought otherwise. Aside from the increase in sexual flawlessness, there are no other long term goals to be met.
e) Wait for her/him to pop the statement. (In time they will) It's gonna sound something like ("Hey...we need to talk"..."I think this is getting too serious" ...."I can't do this anymore" or some other bullshit along those lines)
f)While waiting, remember to also check out other gorgeous bods. Market timing is essential to help maintain an ongoing healthy libido.
g) Act surprised, look surprised, shave your eyebrows if you must...do everything to act as though you never saw this coming.
h) Show some remorse (A lot if you must). Get dumped. Save the counter party the guilt of being the villain by sounding really understanding and mature. Save the friendship (Althou it always tends to fcuk up when one party moves on)
i) He/She is still enacting that 'comfort zone' thingy with you? Congratulations...you now got yourself a long-term F-buddy. No? Things didn't work out that way? It's okieeee....It's fineeee...you have a new plan now which is toooo
j) Move on to the next gorgeous bod =)


Simple. Platonic. Downright dumb and stupid.
Yet so many people I know do this without prior understanding to its true mechanics. The one's who know? Yuppp...definitely a deciding factor of those who've attained the Dean's list of being called "Legendary Players"

*Some might now say, It sounds easier said than done. It's not. Trust me, if it was so hard the term "Player" would cease to exist. They're good at their game and whats more interesting is...this whole scene which I've pointed out here is just one of the many game plans. It's always lust over love for the likes of them. They can do it. It is as easy as its stated.*

Me? As much as it is a fairy tale. I believe in love. I'm still the dumb Cinderella man who's been shot down a lil' too many times....yet i still find myself living on that fine thread called 'hope'...as hopeful as that "Matisyahu's" song perhaps... Sometimes I doubt myself. More so at the point right after breakups.... with all I know I'm still here ..like some would say...I'm probably sick in the head somewhere...to keep believing..to have such blind resolve lolz..




!!!***DISCLAIMER***!!!
HOLA! YOU'RE HERE. IT COULD ONLY MEAN TWO THINGS.
A) YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE "GUILT-DRIVEN" PEOPLE IN MY LIFE.
B) YOU'RE PRETTY ATTACHED TO ME IN SOME WAY THAT YOU ACTUALLY BOTHER TO PICK UP ON THESE FINER BORING DETAILS OF MINE.

IF YOU BELONG TO CATEGORY "A", I SUGGEST THAT YOU CLOSE THIS PAGE RIGHT AWAY. IT'LL DO YOU NO GOOD WHATSOEVER. IT'S BEEN SO LONG. YOU CAN/HAVE LOOK/ED PAST IT NOW. I'VE LOOKED PAST IT. IF YOU CAN FEEL GUILT THEN I'D SAY YOU CAN DEFINITELY FEEL HURT AS WELL. ONE THING I KNOW ABOUT ALL MY "MISHAPS", AT ONE POINT OF TIME, YOU WERE ALL 'WORTH IT'. IF YOU WEREN'T, THEN WE WOULDN'T HAVE LINES CONCERNING EACH OTHER IN OUR RESPECTIVE BOOKS TO BEGIN WITH. WITH THAT SAID, IF YOU WOULD STILL WANT TO GO AHEAD AND READ ON, I CAN'T STOP YOU. GO KNOCK YOURSELVES OUT =)

IF YOU BELONG TO CATEGORY "B", THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR WHOLESOME SUPPORT THROUGHOUT THE YEARS. WE'VE SEEN EACH OTHER GROW UP AND WALK INTO DIFFERENT PATHS OF LIFE YET WE'RE STILL HERE FOR EACH OTHER. AIN'T THAT JUST AWESOME? I'VE NEVER BEEN CLOSE TO FAMILY. YOU GUYS ARE MY FAMILY. YOU GUYS ARE THE PILLARS WHICH HAVE HELPED SHAPE MY LIFE. YOU GUYS BRING BACK HOPE FOR TERMS LIKE FOREVER; WHICH I STILL FIND PRETTY HARD TO re-GRASP (HOPEFULLY ALL IN GOOD TIME =). ON AVERAGE, ITS BEEN AN AWESOME 7 YEARS. I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS READ AS MUCH AS I ENJOYED WRITING AND REFLECTING ON IT. CHEERS GUYS. I REALLY DO HOPE THAT WE'LL BE ABLE TO SEE EACH OTHER THROUGH, RIGHT TO THE VERY END =)

Regardless, BOTH you categories made me so much stronger. Category "A" helped me better develop the 'i-wish-it-wasn't-so' but 'i-need-these-skills-to-survive-in-the-world-today' platonic/callous traits. Category "B" extended to me lessons of compassion.
Of course, I'd love to live in a world which only encompasses much of lesson "B's". But that's just not possible in our world today.
It's a rather sad fact that many of those who have fallen along the way; would carry on that sense of hurt, grief, anguish and pass it on to someone else (unworthy of such insolence). It's like a vicious cycle of never ending corruption which in time would shape a more horrifying reality (lets not have me get into the finer aspects of all my people theories at this introductory phase shall we, hahaha). Nonetheless, thanks muchness. To all of you =)
If I was asked 2 years ago, I'd say never in a million years would I ever find myself extending my thanks to someone like codename:"fluffy" for all the supermega hurt and imbalance she caused in my life. Funny. I initially started this blog with the quote, "Time changes things, EvEryThinG". How true. I guess as we move on (of course to a better plane of life we don't/can't literally erase the memories, but we tend to leave them behind us

like they say right:




anyways enough of preludes , here goes..

**********(again let me note that there's a striking, yes 'striking' lolz..difference between those who completely block it out and those who take it in by phases. On one hand, its like holding a timebomb waiting for it to explode. The other is like a diffusing process done through reflecting. If I had 3 people in mind, I'm guessing at this very point i see

i) 1 cheecky grin/smile
ii)1 'tak-puas-hati' frown
iii) 1 confused expression

We'll I'd love to guess out more but at this point of time I solely had you 3 darlings in mind, so yeah hahaha... please do forgive my constant tendency of being such an asshole, lolz.. )**********

Daym, more preludes. Hahaha the hell! Okie enough, lets do this "Leroyyyyyyy Jennnnkinssss"

(That video is epic btw, who says you can't be a celebrity for bein' stupid, that dude is now....okie okie, shit shit, start start.... I shall ......shell! What's wrong with me today...I'm so lazy to do this. I don't want to do this. Arghhh~~ for what its worth, here goes:

はじめましょ!!

あのとき, わたし すご が さびしいです から, hahaha..じょだん~ じょだん~ おもしろいね いまから ぜんぶ にほんご で かきましょか? できるよ hahaha...でも みんな わかりませんね, さささ えいご で だいじようぶ かも ...

Okie enough drama. Enough sub-topics. For real. Reflect. Recognize. Respond. =)





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Notes:

i) Original scribbled title - In my Memory

ii) Original scribbled sub-title - This.Be.Epic.

2000: Child's play...

Joe-n: Where do you see yourself when you grow up?
Joe-n: Like you know, have you ever thought about how you would be living your life a good few years from now?

Me: Probably living/lying by the beach with a joint in my hand, smoking up, drinkin' swimmin' surfin' and chilling all the way till' sunset! Every single day~

Joe-n: HAH?? What kind of lifestyle is that!
Joe-n: What about a job? What about your dreams and aspirations? Don't you have any?

Me: Hmmm..I don't think I want/need any? I guess a moderate job with a small and steady stream of income which could support my lifestyle would pretty much do...

Joe-n: ThAtS iT!? Hahaha you sure don't dream for much...

My hippie hero~


That was the time I never needed much. Never wanted much. Never asked for much. I was more than happy with all I had. I felt very happy being me. I was never really big on grades in school. I would be satisfied as long as I passed the paper. Barely had many friends. More so of ones from the opposite species. Did not really care much about how I looked. Did not give 2 shits for the ethics of fashion and style. Was really big on games.
Completing a PS2 rpg or something felt like a really huge achievement then. Well for hardcore gamers it probably is, but please do not take offense in this statement. To me it was probably like my only achievement. Completing a 'game' created by a particular 'creator' with a mere motive to reap solid profits from sales volume by rallying on the likes of me. Technically speaking, it's like a game within a game. It was his game plan to have the likes of me purchase and indulge in it; and it was my game plan to complete it and gain some sense of achievement in doing so. I probably grew up feeling played this way all along. (Again, please don't take any offense in these statements. I just wanna point out how I always played supporting roles, and never or hardly led on anything).
I was pretty athletic but I guess I never really dreamed for much. Or at least, with all the talent I had I never really bothered how to fight hard or smart. As a result among the few, countable, insignificant 1st place medals I had, lie an abundance of 2nd place medals.
I was very trusting. A whole load more trustworthy. And very berry the loyal. I probably had like 0% ego then. I held on to this ideal golden rule that the first girl I end up with would be my last. I was never up for breaking hearts and I was never a fan of the underwear theory approach (Main try-try as some people would call it ) Somebody's bound to get hurt.
At that point of insignificance and incompetence, at that point of social rejectance, at that time when my own 'friends' would say stuff like:


A: How's Ezra's grades like? I heard he did quite well in English?
B: Hahaha ala that's the only subject he's good at. As usual he will surely come out 40+ or something ler..

C: Eh put Ezra on the team la? He got height and he's a runner?
D: You kidding me? He can't even pass the ball straight...he'll only bring us down!

E: Eh ask Ezra come along la?
F: Hahaha dunno la wei, he got unique sense of dressing~

Probably no one in my dictionary then knew how to feel insignificance and incompetence as well as me. My parents were always working. I guess I could say that nobody probably knew how to feel neglect as well as me either. In society's eyes I was probably the best loser ever. But then, it never bothered me much..."whatever" I'd always say. It was probably my favorite tag line then

Then came "Emily". The kind of Emily which would make you ask yourself 'Why is she even hanging out with a loser like me?'... Similarly, like all dangerously progressive stories...we all know where this is going...so yeah... The kind of Emily which changed me for life...

2002: One deep breath…

Me: You're leaving tomorrow...
Me: I'm not gonna see you anymore...
Me: I'm gonna miss you...

She: It's only gonna be a few years silly..then I'll be back...don't look so sad...

Me: I'm gonna feel so alone..

She: Stop sounding so grim! You'll never be alone darl! ..and that's a ProMisE =)
She: I'll write you... =)

Me: Really?

She: Surely!!

Me: I love you...

*I shall choose to leave out the rest*
-:It eventually led to:-

Me: I'm not good enough for you am I?
Me: Say it...I wanna hear you say it...

She: You're not good enough!

Me: .................................................

(INTERLUDE: I'm puking (ok exaggeration!) as I'm typing this now...I CAN'T BELIEVE I was so like that once upon a time. Schucks. YUCKS!!...Oh well...like they say rite, better experiencing shit when you're naive, younger, and dumb rather than get into this kinda shit now.
I'll leave out how we initially met and progressed along the way. I guess if I were to recollect it all and mention here; It'll probably amount to a book. It's boring anyways. Very puppy-ish. Rather subtle. Little substance. Well that's that. Enough said. Moving along to the summary of it all~

Ever since then it was hard for me to say "I promise" like I meant it.
Ever since then it was hard for me to say "Friends forever" like I meant it.
Since then I found myself limiting my vocabulary to lines like "I'll try" ..."probably"...etc...

My new heroes~


I changed the ways I thought.
I changed the ways I fought.
I created far-fetched dreams.
I aspired to be the best in many things.
I wanted to be good at what I wanted to be good at.

I didn't care how much I bled, how dark and cold it could get, how'd I'd suffocate myself..I just kept pushing. Beyond limits, I just kept pushing.
Suddenly it occurred to myself that I finally did it! I scored straight A's in my own rat race! I achieved a shitload of stuff at the expense of trading ..hmm compassion? For the more superficial and platonic. Not that I was already at the very end of the spectrum, I was probably somewhere a lil' further than 'in-between'. Well for now, lets limit my ramblings on this and get to my desired highlight.
On that day of sudden occurrence, in joy of achievement reminiscence, standing tall on a way wayyy thicker wall, I made a vow. I said it with confidence ans surety:



Now if you know me well enough at present (NOTE: this was written erm somewhere around (06/2009), you'd say there's a major flaw to that statement. The one whereby I've been pondering on a certain someone for way too long regardless of the 'circumstances'. We'll I'm getting there. But for now, lets put this story on hold too.

2003 - 2008: So there were angels....








(EDIT PENDING)




*TEMPORARY*
*It's August now and I'm all settled and happy. Time is really so effin' limited these days and I just can't seem to find time to update. Anyways here's a modified version of a mail I sent out to a few buddies for a temporary read. It somewhat summarizes what I was up to for the past few months.....It was plainly work, sleep, and work again for 6 long months. No alcohol, no indulgence whatsoever. Just work. Ask me now if it was worth it? I'd say every bit of it. I now have a clear career path set in front of me. One I can focus on completely and work my way towards... and because I gave it full focus initially, I'd like to think I've started out right too. The way things are going...it looks like it's gonna be pure awesomeness from now on...and I really do hope it stays this way *fingers crossed* =)



I'd say the main theme to this temporary note is:
"Introduction to work politics 101"


So i left. Right after CNY in Melaka. I finally made a choice.
I chose "Management Trainee" over "Stock Analyst"

I didn't change my number. Rather, I chose to live without a phone. I chose to spend some (a heap loads of) time alone. Melaka was a pretty awesome comfort zone. Drinks with buddies at night, clubs on occasions.... fishing...gaming....chilling...lolz..

It was fun. I got a lil' too used to it.
At the same time I also realized that while I was killing time that way, a lot of ppl...like some of you here are getting to higher places...climbing corporate ladders... striving for a better career.. etc...

I was WAY behind.

I figured that when I finally take that next step, I'd have to work a lil' extra hard to make up for all that time I've spent being behind.

So when I finally accepted that job offer, after being horrendously picky,....I figured i just couldn't move back to KL and meet up with everyone; at the same time balance an entirely different lifestyle. With the number of people I wanted to meet, and with the amount of new stuff and routines I had to get used to, I guess I probably couldn't have pulled it off. If i ever did, It would mean I'd have to lose focus somewhere.

To sacrifice a lil' on something which would probably define what I could be doing 20 years from now? I did the selfish thing. I chose to detach and disappear. I decided to be selfish and focus on purely me for a change.

"Base your management decisions on a long-term philosophy, even at the expense of short-term financial goals. (Toyota)"

There is a better quote on how Toyota (yes the car company) explained how important it is to start right, in order for everything to end/ work out right.

I was always somewhat a believer to philosophies like those despite the fact that I've never heard it before.

I've seen how I've started so many things wrongly and how its caused me so much detriment in the end. I scored a final year 73% or so average...that's not 1st class...but at least its second upper...it was sell-able...but the fact that I walked out on my econs paper during year 1...made my total average fall drastically.. i mean i walked out of the hall after attempting..that doesn't qualify me as a no-show...the paper now had a grade lolz...i probably scored a Monash record?...lolz..14/100. Didn't care much about it then.

Also, the bulk of incidents last year made me lose track in defining whats what. There was a point when it felt like i didn't ever know what my priorities were...and who my people are anymore.

Gotta admit 'she' made a mess...no actually it was 'him'...not that I'm defending her...its just that, that was still bearable. The fact that my own buddie could actually throw so many hurtful lines at me... classic. Then that whole incident with that 'other her' ... it seriously felt like double-dutch hahaha...it took me awhile to have it all brew down; to finally be able to rationalize and conceptualize everything..

Soooooo. That was that. I chose to leave without a trace. I refused to succumb to the "you can at least keep in touch with me coz im close to you right" ideology. You guys would understand. The others probably won't..but the hell. You know my network. I just can't do that. It would be so unfair. I was hoping to get off easy....like i was hoping no 1 would notice... i planned it to be not more than 2 months...i never expected it to be such a drag... but it was because...

During the 1st month when I started working...everything felt awesome...i was learning new stuff everyday.... then came the politics...

It felt like my entire program was placed on halt and I was merely pushed around to do whatever chore like tasks. The fact that I was used to being fcked quite a bit before really did help me stay strong for a bit.

But come month 3, I felt no sense of career achievement whatsoever...I mean if you make copies of documents everyday... what banking experience would that account for and how would I ever be able to sell myself as a banker sometime later?....it felt severely depressing... Couldn't believe that I traded so much for this...

I initially was interested in Asset Management.

Why asset management? I loved Marketing. Don't mean to be 'lansi' hahaha but I did really well for it in uni. I was half as good at finance but I pushed myself to complete the major. I told myself that I needed something technical. I always thought that Marketing is something anyone can do if you have in you to put a rose in your mouth. Like you know, you can't always be all that sweet....you got to thorn it out a lil' as well. Ad-lines like "Think of the future, think for your kids...this insurance policy..will take care of all that for you..why wait? You might be gone tomorrow..." harsh..but if you're certain that the particular audience falls under the manipulation threshold..then it's doable..you'll get good enough to know how much ticking off they can actually take and how that plays into their heads...too much and they explode, too little n' they would not feel the impact, just nice and you'll sell...you'll start growing money from trees..Nonetheless there's nowhere else I'd rather be; but in Marketing at some later date in the future.. when I'm at least a wee bit technically savvy...

Finance is filled with terms such as "technical analysis"..."charting" MATH! lolz..stuff which would once upon a time...freak the shit outta me. But yeah...after I don't remember when...i started to really like finance due to its enormous earning potential. Simple stuff like those "pay 0% down to purchase a property" statements. I found that interesting and HUGELY correlative with marketing. For example, one way is to use a credit card which would give you a good credit limit, and swipe it at a property auction as down payment (the property usually comes with a loan pre-charged to a particular bank already)...they're all desperate for cash-flows now so you'd be able to skip through all those crappy credit evaluations as well....ahh the beauty of foreclosure.... It's doable. It's completely legal. So with money you don't really own. You now have a house, housing loan and a credit card bill which is subject to repayment in future. If you pay it stays. If you don't its re-auctioned. Now how would you furnish this? From a financial perspective, it stops there. From a Marketing perspective, you would go on to channel that property out for rental income. The Marketing part is the one which would require more effort. But why care? I enjoy doing it.

So now you would in time end up with a house, paying you money.. offsetting you credit card and loan commitment... cool huh? Just one of the many examples of how the technicalities of finance is not too well spread out within the community... A good thing in a way...if everyone was so savvy...there would be no room or no 1 to capitalize on... bleh i sound so horrid..

Asset management, credit relationship managers, investment banking, and a few more departments in the bank helps you open up your mind to technicalities such as these in a similar fashion..as you can see the nature of it alone correlates a lot with Marketing....for a freshie..one would yearn to be placed under the guidance of financial guru's who've been practicing it with years of experience.. under a good guru...you know you're in good hands...

Now back to me. That was what I initially wanted. But the volume Asset Management it in my bank wasn't up to what I hoped for....not that I could run away from my current department anyways...

No department in my bank offered what I wanted. I was so close to quitting because even if i did settle down somewhere.... it didn't have that necessary substance I wanted. Then i found treasury.

The only department in the (my) bank (all Malaysian banks for that matter) which would require a special certification from the "Association of Financial Markets Malaysia" to be in. More info if you have too much time ----> http://www.ppkm.net/

The job scope? Tracking equities (trading for other banks, not for us because we're Islamic), trading bonds, obtaining the funds to fund for loans, analyzing property reports....see we're small (at least in Malaysia) so what material do we base our findings on? Reports by JP Morgan chase, Morgan stanley...Bloomberg... reuters messenger... alas, I found my sex. I never knew treasury was so correlated and fun... its minuscule compared to what I wanted before (asset management). But there was a catch...They only select the elites....

Story cut short, there was no hope of me getting in that department due do various circumstances.

I think I was on my 5th month in purgatory? I kept telling myself that there was only 1 more month to go....before i decide to break myself free from it all. As i was walking to the office, the dude came up to me and said...."have you heard?" ....with a blur face I said "no".... "Oh we're taking you into Treasury"...dumbstruck.. slightly tear-bind...whatever you would wanna call it....i was totally speechless... all i could say later after a long pause is "you're not kidding rite?".....he was like "yeah really, but hush don't tell anyone yet...this has to be done with some discretion... i just thought you should know a lil in advance".....I yelled " i love you bro" albeit gay.. but i fcuk care... i was overjoyed beyond expression that i had no expression at all...oxymoronish as it sounds...that's how it was..

so come 2nd week, as it is now, everything has finally settled in..everything has finally brewed in.

I have A LOT to catch up on so I work practically till 8+ or so everyday but I'm loving it! It doesn't get any better than doing something you like! It's super exciting...at least to me I feel it doesn't get any better than this...There's only 7 people in the department inclusive of me. It's an all male room. They've all been getting along well with me. We have similar 'off-work' interest as well! 2 of them have over 30 years experience. I'm working directly under them. Once I'm done here...I'd like to believe I'll be able to pull magic tricks. I'm super thankful. If all goes well I really wanna stay here for at least 3 years. Then it's either Masters or somewhere outta Malaysia. I guess if i work things out this way...it would make more sense rather than trying to work my way outta Malaysia now.

Now that I know how it feels like, (thank god I had it right initially, I mean I was almost going to give-up and succumb to the thought that 'work is work and no matter how nice ideals sound like, chances are its only gonna be something you do purely for money in the end of the day) Need i stress NEVER EVER EVER settle down with a career which doesn't make you smile...one which you'd treat as 'just another day' ....and i mean common man...you're gonna be stuck with it for effin' god knows how many years of your life... do you seriously wanna feel that way for so long? ......I couldn't.....For now, the feeling of being paid for doing something you love doing? Priceless........

Lets recap? How did I get here? In essence..
I guess it's a combination of patience, luck, tact on time and place, and most importantly, My people.

During this few months spent alone, I've come to realize how important relations and people are in my life. Be it just a thing I do on a regular basis...but I really like understanding and socializing. My people define me. Also, I have a clearer picture of who my friends are now. That's the greatest discovery I've come across during this time spent alone.

5 months from now (Provided i don't chicken out) I'm gonna be in a room full of 1st class honors monkeys. With some hardcore forex math in between. FUCKED is another synonym for it. I need to pass all 4 modules to obtain the license. Not everyone can do it. It requires authentication from two senior members...Failing would not only make me look bad, it would also make the ones who stood up for me look bad, and my boss look bad....on top of it...the fee is sponsored....i don't pay a single cent...sigh P-R-E-S-S-U-R-E... If i get through this my pay should increase a lil'. Not that i care much about it but it would feel good to tell mom that I now earn equally as much as her and i did it in under 2 years.

I just know I'm gonna owe this bank my career life..... sigh I really do have a lot to feel lucky for. But luck ends here. It's all hard work and concentration from now on until I get the license. I fought real hard for a second chance like this for way too long....now that its finally here...it sure does freak the hell outta me...

That's the last of the disappearing i suppose. They way i see it, I'm already set right and I'm here to stay.

Sorry I have been away for so long peeps...

Cheers! =)