Error 101: Sick Cycle Carousel

2004 - I was young and naive, I self introduced myself to the concept of 'love'. 2005 - With the 'love' button now turned 'ON', I was then introduced to the concept of 'hurt' and 'pain' (typically, cyclically, human). Something I wrote during 2005: "I changed the ways I thought. I changed the ways I fought. I created far-fetched dreams. I aspired to be the best in many things. I wanted to be good at what I wanted to be good at. I didn't care how much I bled, how dark and cold it could get, how'd I'd suffocate myself..I'd just kept pushing. Beyond limits, I just kept pushing. Suddenly it occurred to myself that I finally did it! I scored straight A's in my own rat race! I achieved a shitload of stuff at the expense of trading ..hmm compassion? For the more superficial and platonic. Not that I was already at the very end of the spectrum, I was probably somewhere a lil' further than 'in-between'. On that day of sudden occurrence, in joy of achievement reminiscence, standing tall on a way wayyy thicker wall, I made a vow. I said it with confidence and surety: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHwbD4-9YSCsVbp6eRXYTaPoMDLNnjR2zj5hUG172kRmLGrDlwI-vIkZKoxfMuGVAdcNa89f1pzx4gDQIc6arYzcMlNJMsveMi0jbRcDdnrxflGUVx783jRLxXXbZ3pJWv1C3l/s1600/nobodys.png " 2008 - With my defenses heightened, barriers enacted, heart closed up. I still fell again. I fell hard. The thing is, it's like a time-bomb. As long as you chose to make a conscious choice and retain the desire to want to 'feel' again someday, there will always be a fall. The tougher the level of 'resistance' the bigger the fall. No matter how hard you try to close up on that hole. Falls are inevitable. Unless you work towards erasing 'that desire' completely. Well I never worked towards that. With that in 2008, sOmEoNe (a.k.a the super callous one) raised in me new levels of "uncertainty" and "deception". Late 2008 - 2010 I was numb. I was already mature enough in thought to not torment a rebound. I had ironclad defenses; Somehow again, I got confused. I was uncertain. I took my time. I realized this was not a rebound. I grabbed my balls. I made plans. I wanted to wait until my exams were over. I found out something. I felt that 'hurt' I thought i'd never feel again; but a rather mitigated hurt. I was 2 weeks too slow. I left for home. I suffered in silence again; but a rather mitigated sense of suffering. I indicated goodbyes. I wrote a song. I don't think I can ever better that song. We cut ties. We're friends now. I'm happy for her; but NOT a mitigated sense of happiness. A genuine one. I learned that time does close and heal all holes. But if I could turn back time; no this is not ego; I would still pace the same. Why? Something i vowed many years ago. Here is is again: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHwbD4-9YSCsVbp6eRXYTaPoMDLNnjR2zj5hUG172kRmLGrDlwI-vIkZKoxfMuGVAdcNa89f1pzx4gDQIc6arYzcMlNJMsveMi0jbRcDdnrxflGUVx783jRLxXXbZ3pJWv1C3l/s1600/nobodys.png " I think my problem is; I know what I want and I think "long-term". I'd "MINE" forever if I could. But I guess in that sense I'm always "YOURS"-ed large lol. But for "short-term"? I swear I can beat Gym Class Heroes to 'Cookie Jar' or Stifler or Barney Stintson, or whoever (but not Jacob Palmer, his artistry is genius)...jokes aside, well if I chose to aggressively play those cards. But I don't. Yes I've had my share of fckups. Being this good and not doing anything? Trust me..it's not easy. I resist but sometimes when I find someone 'willing' then it gets super hard. It's like going vegetarian when you're a vampire which lusts for blood. If you don't understand this sense of dark loneliness..then who are you to judge me? I'm preferred more as a 'short term equity' rather than a 'long term bond'. It used to hurt but I'm rather accustomed to it now. In fact I indulge in it. That said, I think it's nobody right to judge what I do with who I do. I tried so many times and I think I've lost half the will to try as hard again. Every time i fall I take a deeper lunge into the superficial/platonic spectrum. Ya'll can't blame me. YOU made ME. Getting to the point --->(.) SO they say... Strike 1 - It's a tragedy Strike 2 - It's a comedy Strike 3 - It's a joke Strike 4 - (It's ridiculous?) BUT Strike 5? After all the hurt and pain and ways I've engineered to protect myself from all these needless feelings for far so long? I guess this makes me a PHARKIN FOOL! I now understand that i have a SEVERE weak spot for people who help me through in life in some way. It's almost end 2012 now and i think in realization of this I've managed to mitigate against this. A little too late tho. You'll probably never get here, so that's a good thing. LoL. Blogging is something I feel I need to do over time to preserve certain memories. Like they say, "The memories you can't forget will only make you stronger" I don't have the 'feel' to write as passionately as I did before. I don't have the ideas to pen down and chord up another painful song. I've lost so much. But if I can give you a big thanks; Thanks for making me realize that although it might take me some time (way too long as I was told by many hahaha); that I still can 'feel'. I'll move forward stronger and braver moving along 2013. Things i remember: -The exclusive hug- (I was a goner lol, can hardly remember anything else). -I detest carrying umbrellas- (Even if it rains lol, yes you prob never knew that). -I.miss.you.miss.me.I.miss.you.miss.me- (I swear I've never used it so frequently on someone I see so often,and i'd get a lil' cautut everytime i'd hear you say it lol) -The "I'm sorry I can't make it text" (Just to fish for my reaction and it worked. Cards well played. As well played as my "Ji mui ur head arr!!" Card lol ;p) -I went pillow shopping in Melaka- (I shifted my stuff to the guest room thinking i'd spend the night there coz its less comfortable and not air conditioned and kept my room tidy and vacant. Hahaha can't believe I still have talent to be such a sucker lol. Doesn't matter anyways. You never came.) -Let's study together- (...yeah...) -I like how we naturally give each other attention due to how we click- (Explanation not necessary lol). -I like how you'd change the language from Mandarin to English when I'm around- (Lol I have a soft spot for thoughtful people. You probably don't notice you do that. You probably didn't know my level of mandarin then. Anyways sweet nonetheless. =) -Bro- (Hahaha I never liked it. I tried to cut you off a few times because of it but I just couldn't. You're too alluring. Anyways towards the end, I like how you'd say that in random in unrelated conversations to remind me. In a reverse psychological perspective....you telling 'ME'...or you're telling 'YOU'? =) -The valentines wish- I was probably a mass whatsapp victim lol. I know. I 'USED TO' do the same thing. Not anymore. You smart enough to know why =) -4am 'good luck message' - Thanks. It helped =) -Hair stint under the fan at a 'particular' station- (Dem lame wei, it still got my attention nonetheless) -We Talk. We Listen- (We have a natural tendency to take what we say to each other to heart, advice, gestures, etc. It's was kinda cool how we threw it back to each other in future) -The goodbye hug- (I've given similar hugs. So i know one when i get one =) In regards to a particular Saturday I never got: (Yes I plan things through. So i was told lol...something i wrote quite awhile ago..) (XXX sit down.. XXX smile.. and I want you to do me a favor..no matter what happens..you're gonna smile to me this way by the time I finish this convo)! ..now lemme start.. I'm gonna talk and you're gonna listen.. And I'm so sorry for this...this is a first after 5 years and I'm still surprised tat I can actually find myself talking like this. I like you. Correction. I more than like you. I think I like you more than I should and I feel this is fckin ridiculous that I've felt this way for more than 2 years now. Did u ever feel we lost contact for awhile? Well if you ever did than that was me trying to protect myself from feeling so much for you but here I am again and this is a first. I'm so sorry again to have to tell you this but if I don't it feels like I can't move on. I'll always believe that there's this hope of us of being together at some point in future which when i actually think about it; doesn't quite make sense really because u have like a dozens of guys in line waiting for you and moreover you're already dating now...and to top that off I'm controversial. Not to sound unconfident but experience has thought me that things like this needs 2 to tango. I keep on thinking on how I managed to feel so different for you and I realized a few stuff. Despite always having the right words to say and being a little 'player-ish' you also have a really good heart...but you hide this fragile side of you very well. I see through it...and maybe I'm lucky enuff for you to let me see it. You've been very strong support for me ever since I've taken xxxx. You wished me good luck at 4am and I tot it was sweet tat u had ur mind on my exam date. So many stuff along those lines...shit like this really gets to my head. You've pushed me to not give up and here we both are now as qualified dealers. I've tried to write off the fact that you care so much a few times but I just can't. Because I know its genuine. I don't want to take up too much of your time so I wanna keep this as short as possible but trust me if u let me keep talking I know I can just go on and on lol. You connect to me at a level no other girl before this could and its starting to hurt. I've never felt like this for 3 years now. I chose to hide away from this kinda of emotion for so long and until I met you I was damm successful. I'm a flirt. I prefer to hang out and randomly date a bunch of girls instead of one from time to time..but before things get emotional I'd cut off. I'd feel safe if the person can't really see through me. For you its different. I didn't have to explain myself for you to see the things which other people miss out. Slowly I found myself to start thinking of you more when I hang out with other girls. I don't think that makes much sense because there's ntg going on between us! This part I'm really not used 2. Feels like I've lost a lot of my magic. I want my magic back hahaha.. Anyways don't wanna drag this conversation too long. Correct me if I'm wrong but after doing a lot of thinking (2 years worth lol) I know you know how I feel...and I can guarantee you if this goes on there'll be a part where both of us would feel seriously uncomfortable with each other unless there's closure. Whatever it is, I know you just treat me as a 'bro'. I think its cute on how you try to remind me I am from time to time lol. I wish it wasn't so and I'll damm hell be jealous when someone actually gets together with u. You're perfect to me. You're awesome xxx! I owe you a lot of my thanks. You showed me something very important. I still can feel. I still got hope. I still can fully open up to someone. I can love. Its just a matter of finding the right person. I used to be very emotionally lost before this. When I'm with u my soft side just shows and it feels fuckin weird. I can be a real dick to some girls and maybe this is karma in some way. I use to think that I could never feel this way again. Not after the pain I felt 4 times before. You've showed me that this is not true..I've got stronger hope to carry on looking for someone now...thx xxx! Sorry I had to say all this out but I'm choosing to be a lil' selfish this way. I don't wanna look back many years later and think of what 'if's. I can live with a 'no'. So I need to know. Obviously its a 'NO' right =). But I don't think I can live with an 'I never knew'. Okie I'm done. -end of Saturday's text- You'd call back or text at the beginning but as I paced closer you'd just leave me hanging and not reply..yes a tad 'ouch'. Nobody's done that to me. Well not in 7 years at least. =) I started pacing backwards when I heard there were 'many'. You started pacing backwards when you saw 'some' pictures. We are the same kind of people in the end of the day. Hurt thought us to play it safe right =)? So when I see you trying with 'one'. In a reverse perspective if I see me trying with one, then i'd know i'm starting to 'mean it'. I need time...but if you're cool, then one day rest assured in future i'm sure we'll be drinking and chilling and talking about old times....take care monkey. Till our paths cross again =) "Experience has though me that when we learn to 'accept' and 'feel' that's when we really start to 'heal' and 'pace forward'. God bless blogspot for that. Oh it's almost 2013! Happy 2013 =)